Stop me if you've heard this one
by Subtle Shenanigans
Summary: The Alien Roommates AU nobody asked for. Basically a crack!fic. Platonic friendships. Includes Bossotronian!Jack, Warfian!Mark, Dismalen!Dan, and questionably alien Phil. Dissassociation series. UNBETA'D.


**A/N: So.**

 **Depression sucks, as does anxiety, but my OCD won't let me let go of an idea once it digs it's greedy claws into my brain.**

 **I once saw a tumblr post about a show idea where all these aliens move to Earth, move in together, and assume that each of the others is a human. You know the one. This will deviate from the post concept a bit.**

 **Being actually in the JSE community more so recently, I learned somewhat about the whole Bossatronio joke thing, and thought it was really** _ **cool**_ **, actually.**

 **There's also the fact that I have Asperger's Syndrome, and I agree with those who have it or other ASDs and feel like an alien. So I thought this may be fun to try.**

 **I only really watch four YouTubers - Daniel Howell (DINOF), AmazingPhil, JackSepticEye, and, very recently, Markiplier. So I decided to put those four together as roommates be aye why the hell not?**

 **This is literally just borderline Crack!fic, so don't take it** _ **too**_ **seriously. It'll be OOC. It'll be stupid. (Also, they're not YouTubers in this AU, so timeline stuff is** _ **allllll**_ **over the place**.)

 **But for once in my life in not going to care about the consequences or reactions and just have fun with it.**

 **I'm leaving Phil as open ended - honestly, he has a lot of similar nuances and such I have, so in this work of fiction, I'll leave it6 open whether you feel he's more implied as an Aspie or alien species.**

 **If I do end up posting this, and you enjoy, please feel free to let me know.**

* * *

 _Stop me if you've heard the one about. . ._

* * *

Seán - normally called Jack by his close friends and family - gave the door a few, quick knocks, and tried to stop himself from shaking.

He wasn't really, well, _scared_ per se - just. Really, really nervous. And with what he recently learned, who wouldn't be?

It's not like your family comes right out and says that they're part of an alien race hiding out on Earth every day, now is it?

Jack shifted his feet as he waited for _any_ sound from the apartment before him. He didn't even try to stop his hand from lifting, or his mouth from chewing on his fingers. Bright, blue eyes gazed distantly as he remembered what his Ma had told him.

" ' _Wha. . . what do you mean, Ma? I'm not. . .?'_

' _I'm sorry sweetie, I just - it's time you knew. Moving out and all that. Your dad was going to explain, but, well. . . he's not the bravest clover about this._

 _We come from a planet quite a ways away, called Bossatron. It's very technologically advanced, and green - or some I'm told. My great grandma left with her son and a few others to start a colony here, on Earth. They were worried; there was some civil unrest due to a neighboring planet that some cruel beings called the Billycons lived on, and a sickness broke out around the same time. The best way to fight it was to slow down the natural boss energy that ran through us - and the Earth was the best planet to dampen it.'_

' _So, I'm an alien?'_

 _His mother had smiled, amused despite the gravity of the situation weighing upon her. 'Yes, Jack._ We _are. In a way. But not really - we were born here, and we cause no harm. We're natives of the Earth just as much as the humans are.' "_

The conversation had continued much after that - she had explained all she knew from her own father, and family. As far as she knew, the McLoughlin family was the only purely Bossotronio family, the rest having interbred with humanity. Not that there were many of them to begin with.

Bossotronians were typically much faster than a human, as their planet had lighter gravity, though the atmosphere was pretty much the same. Their strength came from having adapted to Earth's slightly stronger gravity.

Bossotron also had much more stable weather, and, with that came the issue of regulating body temperature - they had issues with sweating, in particular. Due to the energy running through them, humans assumed they were ADD or ADHD, which could also be because of their excitable nature. Though not all Bossotronians were the same - Seán just happened to be the most like one in a long time.

"Oh! Hey, sorry about that! I didn't know you'd get here so early - I hope I didn't keep you waiting to long."

A man had climbed up the apartment stairs to where Jack had been zoning out; he seemed nice enough, smiling kindly, and with warm brown eyes. Jack was quick to move out of the way to insert the key. "Ah, no problem dude. I wasn't waiting too long - my flight just happened to get in early."

The other guy turned the knob and let the door swing open, gesturing for Jack to go ahead. Jack quickly entered with his suitcase rolling behind him, sneakers slapping down and echoing in the barely furnished apartment.

"It's not much yet," his companion - obviously American - said, "but it's home sweet home for now. The other two will be arriving soon enough, I'm sure."

Jack glanced around and hummed appreciatively; it was quite spacious, with a large area that could be a dining room _and_ living room (there was a rectangular table shoved up under the window), with the kitchen to the right. Closer on his right was a short hall leading to two bedrooms, while more towards the back wall on the left was the other. There were some boxes, and a TV half set up on the living room/kitchen wall.

"We're on the left," the man said, throwing his thumb in the indicated direction. "The other two are on the right; they've known each other a few years I guess? Like, super close best friends. I hope you don't mind."

Jack fixed his glasses, then threw a hand out towards him. "It's absolutely fine; I'm Seán, by the way, though you can call me Jack."

He clasped the Irishman's hand and shook it. "I'm Mark. It's nice to meet you, Jack."

And, despite his new identity as an Alien, and the craziness that was sure to follow, it really was.

* * *

 _Whew,_ Mark thought, as Jack took his stuff to his room, insisting that _"Ah can 'andle it, thanks"_. The guy had energy, that's for sure. But Mark could really see himself making friends with the human.

Ah, that's right. That's a thing.

In light of some recent hospital visits, his mom thought it was _finally_ time to tell him that oh, he's more than half _alien_.

 _Alien!_

Apparently his dad had been full-blooded, but his mom had only been about half or three-quarters Warfian. They were some of the few Warfian refugees left after some war or other about a thousand years ago.

Why no one thought to tell him, he would never know. Mark ran his fingers through his hair, sighing. He'd known for about a year now, but he still couldn't get over the idea. Warfian. Funnily enough, he had this imaginary character named Wilford _Warf_ stache he created back in Highschool. Must have been some weird lingering alien memories?

It had explained quite a few things; health issues that were because his alien biology couldn't deal with certain things on Earth - he wouldn't even process _alcohol_ for fluff's sake! Not to mention his magnetism for injury (probably due to the fact that his ancestors species came from a higher-gravity planet), his penchant for going _towards_ danger along with being quite emotionally expensive (hormonal differences in balance and such.)

But not everything was bad, after all.

Maybe it explained why he loved Space so much.

His heart would ache with such _longing_ and _want_ when he thought of it - the shimmering cosmos, glowing galaxies, the swirl of stars dying and living and growing and fading-

It was just. Just so.

 _. . .Breathtaking_.

Mark nearly jumped when he heard a thud and loud cursing. He shook his head from his thoughts. "Not that it really matters, now does it?"

It didn't matter if he had Warfian blood running through his veins - he also had _some_ human, at least. And that's what he needed to be. Human. Like his new roommates.

He glanced at the wall phone when he heard another rapid expletive from the other room. Guess he could start by calling pizza for them all.

* * *

Phil was fairly excited!

And anxious.

It _was_ new people, after all. Different people.

And while he was used to sharing that crummy apartment with Dan (not that the experience sucked, mind you), in the end they couldn't afford it, and so move they did.

Phil smacked into someone for probably the eightieth time, and he quickly gave an apology. The stuffy resident didn't even acknowledge him - was it because he was northern? People from further south were pretty strange, after all.

Dan quickly grabbed his sleeve, tugging him along with a slight smile and an eye roll.

Phil tried to hide a smile; he _would_ take back that statement.

Except that Dan _was_ a weirdo.

Not that Phil wasn't either.

But that wasn't too bad a price. To be different.

Phil was lurched forward as Dan tugged on his sleeve again, and the older boy tried to dispel his distracted thoughts. It was probably all the people and noise - he never did do all that well with it.

His best friend raised his voice to make sure Phil heard him. "Just a little while longer to go - I got a text from that Mark guy. He said the Irish dude made it; so that makes _us_ late."

Phil tried not to wince. "I hope they're not upset."

Dan kept his brown eyes trained forward and scoffed. "You worry too much."

" _I_ worry too much?" Phil had the gall to sound incredulous. "Why, , _I'm_ not the one who was worried whether this whole thing would work out."

Dan sputtered, "Hey!" But couldn't help the little snort that escaped. "He told me he ordered a pizza - wants us all to get to know each other. Seemed pretty nice."

Phil furrowed his brow, pushing past another person, this time more deftly. Usually _he_ was the one to reassure Dan. While they were both pretty extreme introverts by nature - probably why they found solace in one another, honestly - Dan was typically the more anxious one in social situations, despite being a _lot_ more adept at them than Phil.

"Well that's nice of them," Phil said optimistically. "I mean, _they're_ the foreigners, right? Neither of them are from England. And even if none of us really know this town, I was expecting them to want _us_ to show hospitality."

"So I guess this means _socializing_." Dan pretended to sound disgruntled.

The sidewalk had mostly cleared; Phil bumped shoulders with Dan, smiling. "Aw, c'mon! It doesn't mean we _have_ to be super social with them _all_ the time. Just give it a try! Plus, it's free pizza!"

Dan bumped him back, smiling. "I was already _going_ to, you spork. Besides," he tilted his head up to the building before them. "We're already here."

* * *

Dan wasn't sure what to think, or feel, when they got to the door. Phil was practically vibrating next to him, with a combination of anxiety and nerves.

He should be used to this.

Really, he should.

 _Phil knows_ , he thought to himself, the words a worried whisper. _Phil knows, and it's fine - he told you he never even suspected. And that he didn't care._

 _You have your best friend with you. He cares about you. The others won't find out. And if they do, it will. be._ _ **fine**_ _._

The door opened suddenly, surprising Dan from his worried thoughts. He blinked rapidly, realizing that the guy who had opened the door was _shorter_ than he had been expecting.

Thin, but well-toned, with brown spikey hair, and blue eyes that could rival Phil's in brightness (though they were diversely different colors, Dan noted). He had practically flung the door open, and Dan could practically _feel_ the energy leeching out of him.

Heck, maybe it _was_. Wasn't that one of the genetic issues? Power transferral? But he did have depression on top of it, and that was _not_ a strictly human problem. Chemical imbalance and all that.

Damn. He hadn't even _thought_ about his depression meds. Was there more than one bathroom?

 _If you didn't need them-_

"Hi there! Mah name's Seán, but you can call me Jack - c'mon in! Mahrk already got the paper plates and soda," the guy - Jack, apparently, chattered as they followed him in. While he spoke fast, it was clear, but _way_ more energetic than he was expecting.

" _He's like the lucky charms leprechaun_." Dan tried not to snort when Phil leaned in and whispered. He was glad that he hadn't blurted it out loud - even if Phil didn't mean anything _mean_ , by it, he did tend to say things that people took offense to, or that came or awkward.

But hell, if it wasn't funny.

And the comment put Dan at ease, reminding him that his friend was there. He was sure it did the same for Phil, as the Raven-haired boy fidgeted less.

The apartment was pretty sparse, but just what he expected from the pictures online; he even saw that the side Phil had insisted on was left to them, as Jack motioned to it with a twirl of his hand, and a chipper, "that sides yours!"

Dan bit back a laugh as Phil copied Jack's hand twirl, and nudged him when his friend looked to the floor in embarrassment. When Phil looked up, meeting his eyes, Dan raised a brow and did it too.

They both tried not to laugh aloud.

Jack clearly noticed that some sort of exchange had occurred, as the table was only a few feet into the apparent, but had politely decided not to comment on it.

(He was smiling softly, though, which made Dan glad because it meant that they hadn't offended him.

Maybe he could get used to Jack.)

"MAHRK! Dan and Phil are here - and I'm pretty sure they're as hungry as I am!"

Phil tensed, and Dan almost winced; mother _fluffer_ , this guy was _loud_!

Jack seemed to realize his mistake, muttering, "er, sorry 'bout that". Dan turned towards the left hall as Mark, the organizer of this whole sharing-apartments bit, and apparent buyer of pizza, came into the living-dining room.

Dan was surprised to see that Mark was also shorter than both of them - maybe they were just really freakishly tall? - though _definitely_ more muscular than Jack. As it was with most Americans, Dan wasn't sure what to expect ancestry-wise, but if he had to guess, than Mark was probably part Asian - Korean, probably. ( _Darn my nerdiness_.) He, like Phil, wore glasses, though Phil had his contacts in at the moment. Another quick glance at Jack, and he realized the Irishman also wore glasses.

Wow, he really was in his head too much today, if he missed that.

Mark was assertive, immediately reaching to shake their hands. "You guys must be Dan Howell and Phil Lester; I'm Mark Fischbach, and-"

"Seán McLoughlin!" Jack chimed in.

"-this is Jack." Mark quirked an eyebrow at him, then turned back to the two Brits. "It's really nice to meet you guys! I'm glad we could make this arrangement. I thought we could talk more over dinner - just get to know one another for now. After we all get settled, we can move on to house rules and such."

"Apartment rules," Phil blurted. When Mark gave him a confused look, he swallowed and said. "Uh, sorry, you said house rules, but it's an apartment and not a house, so- uh, nevermind."

Dan gave Phil a nudge, and a playful, "Nice one, Lester." His friend took it well, which Dan was happy about. Phil wasn't normally this nervous.

They _were_ moving in to a four person apartment with two other people, though, so Dan wouldn't - couldn't - fault him.

Mark seemed amused, and said, "Apartment rules it is, then. Just, uh. . ."

Mark looked at them all hopefully, then scratched his head, giving an awkward little huff. "I just want us all to enjoy being here, you know? I mean, we don't all have to be friends or anything, but I don't want us all hating each other like most the Tennant's in this building probably do."

Jack nodded. "I can agree with that."

Phil was looking at Dan, waiting for him to go first, though from the way he kept glancing around he was trying _really_ hard to hold his tongue. ". . . Sure. I don't see why not. Phil?"

A smile bloomed across his best friend's face. "I think this'll be great. Time for pizza now?"

Jack roared with laughter, clapping him on the shoulder. "I like you, mate! You're speaking my effing language!"

Dan decided to jab back in tandem with Phil's protested sqwuak. "Oi, watch the effing language!"

Mark was actually _giggling_ , deep, reverberating chortles as he brought out the large pizza box and opened it. "I guess language isn't an issue?"

"Please; you should hear Phil - he curses like a sailor. His mum would cry."

"I'll make _your_ mum cry!"

"Oh my god, Phil."

"Aww, no pineapple?"

"Ew, you weird Irishman."

"Hey! Pineapple belongs on pizza! Just like corn!"

". . . I'll just take cheese."

"Yeah, hope it doesn't kill you though."

"You allergic, or. . . ?"

Conversation fell into an easy rhythm then, the four roommates dissolving into camaraderie with easy bantering and jokes, unbeknownst that with how similar they were in their differences.


End file.
